Changed My Mind....Again

Originally I had started blogging tonight basically to make sure I get an update in before I start my hellish work week of six 12hr shifts and to bitch about my great idea to scan all of my paper files into my computer, so that I could have a virtual home office. Doesn't that sound great and efficient and all kinds of nifty? Well actually it does except for the scanning ALL my paper files part. LOL. So I am just scanning away and I get all the way to the A's, the Auto file to be exact and I give up because I am simply trying to do to many things at one time. Yet again, some how my multi-tasking skills are failing me these days. At this I am disappointed because I have many things I need to have done by now and I don't and now my prioritizing skills fail. Sigh... Here I sit blowing off homework, dirty floors, scanning files, all for you! So read up and write down a comment. Or don't. Or do.

Oh I better hurry and write this down before I change my mind again. I am kidding. Ok not really. And for the record it's not that I change my mind on purpose I just forget what I am doing.

Ok so... in the last couple of weeks if you have checked out my facebook you would have noticed all these new friends just popped up over night. No, sassy they are not fictitious. They are all friends from when I was little. How fantabulous is that? Great I know. I actually can't believe it myself. And as part of the 2009 "Keepin' It Real" tour, I have pinky sworn with myself to not lie to anyone and tell them what a really fabulous Doctor/Lawyer that I am or that the Escalade is in the "shop", or how I wish the pool boy was here as often as the nanny.....

Now really we are not the same mean little bastards that we were in school. Are we?I seriously doubt it. But for the record I am one of the low women on the totem pole in a local ER and love it. It appears that I am a career student, I think I have been in school for 6 years taking off a little here and there for near death experiences, vacations and such. Of course that leaves the full time mom job the pay sucks but the benefits are good.
Now... I showed you mine you show me yours. in comment form. Please no photos of your asses. Thanks and sorry have to cover all my bases, never know about some of you.

On ward... besides being way excited about catching up about the good' ole days and oh did I tell you I got my eyes tattooed again, more on that next time though with pictures. All this reminiscing has brought back a lot of old feelings that I really thought I was done with. But I really found myself getting upset about stuff that I haven't cared about in years. How weird is that? I really am a little confused now. Quiet frankly my head has been working some overtime lately and this just adds to it. I would say this is probably not the way to start a busy semester, overloaded with work and some how obsessed with things that happened 20 years ago. AAAwwwww this to shall pass, she says with furrowed brows and hope in her heart.

I know... it's not the ending you hoped for but for tonight it will have to do because now its early morning and all the letters are getting fuzzy.
Just a side note more like a random thought out loud, some one should really figure out how I can just belt out random lyrics to songs that I hear while I type, so that you the reader can become the listener. Or maybe we could play name that tune 80's hits only?

24 Hr Days.

As if you didn't already know that there were twenty-four hours in a day, but what I was alluring to was that the day that I started this post I was up for more than 24 hours and still didn't get everything done. Unfortantely the day I started this was Wednesday and I only got one line out, today is now Friday....sigh. I am still as tired as I was when I started this, but the show must go on. The reason I was up so long was because I had to work Tuesday night and then my first day back to school was on Wednesday. Wow it was a long day, I am still tired. This time I think I have legitimate reasons to be. lol. Even though I have rearranged my schedule to accomodate school and allow more time to be with the kids. I feel busier now than ever hopefully it will only be temporary as I settle into a new schedule. I will be taking 12 credit hours this semester and there has been some talk about me cutting back to part time at work. Of course I am totally down with that. In fact that could make me the happiest person in the world, at least for now.... I realize I am high mainance. So I have so many things I have neglected around this house, and no I am not talking about the kids despite what CPS thinks, but I really must do some laundry, figure the bills, clean the bathrooms, sweep and mop the floors, clean the fridge(both of them), prepare a menu, clean out some toy boxes... I am sure this list could go on for a while but you get the gist. Oh and I have to shop for a birthday party tomorrow and my oldest (biggest helper) is gone for the weekend. Sigh...better get started lol. Talk to you all soon.

So Much To Say, So Little Time.

Truth be told I wouldn't know what to do with my self if I actually had free time. There is to some extent a need to stay as busy as I do. So I should probably stop whining about never having any time, cuz I wouldn't have it any other way.

So a lot has happened in the last week or two and I am not sure if I should talk about it all at once or a little bit at a time or some of it not at all. How ever I really don't think there is any valid reason to not discuss it here. Privacy is clearly not an issue for me and I really believe we all are walking the same journey in many ways. Therefore we all stand to learn from each other and should know that everyone else is just like us, no more special or unique than we ourselves. So I guess we will know when we get to the end if I cover it all or just some and save the rest for later.

SOAPBOX ALERT: I have recently decided that EVERY human(or almost every human)is deathly afraid of other people finding out any flaw or shortcoming they may have, as though other people do not have these same flaws.
Case and point: I was talking with a dear friend of mine after both of us had a few drinks about some things that any other time I probably wouldn't have mentioned because of the embarrassment factor. However the risk was taken and come to find out (and actually she was the one to take the risk) we had both been through the same exact thing. We both thought no one else had, had that experience. This didn't just happen once or twice but multiple times specifically with that friend and many many occasions with other people.
So my rant is that: seriously cut the crap the same shit happens to all of us and there is nothing anyone can do about it. Keeping all these secrets from each other and acting like you should be some sort of superior or inferior is BS. It only keeps people farther apart from each other when really what they want is to be close, to bond, have friendship and trust! So just say it whatever it is.... it's likely not really news to anyone and would be a relief for everyone to talk about it.

An update on the CPS call that I received. As most of you know I received a phone call the Monday before Thanksgiving from Child Protective Services. All I could really say was " Are you freakin' kiddin' me?" So here's what really happened. Nate was seen at a counseling facility for his ADHD, upon intake the counselor with extremely poor listen skills extracts from me and Nathan's story what she chooses. Because what was said is that I do work three nights a week and go to school two days a week(while the kids are in school) and that my oldest daughter Breanna is very helpful at home and that I do have sitters that come into the house at night to watch the kids. What apparently she heard was that I work 5 nights a week from 5pm to 7am and that Breanna is forced to take care of the kids and house all of the time. LMFAO... I am no workaholic if Banner would contract me two days a week, I would sign that before the ink could even set on the contract. In addition Nathan was asked by said counselor if he felt safe at home and he replied NO. Which caught me by surprise. When asked to elaborate he said "This one time Bre choked me" I said when. To the point it is discovered it happened months almost a year earlier, prior to my divorce (for which his ADHD is exacerbated). But apparently all the hearing impaired intake counselor heard was my sister abuses me. Hence forth a call from CPS before thanksgiving.
which goes something like this
Me: hello
Cps: This is Carolyn blah blah blah
Me: uh huh
CPS: we received a report alleging Nathan is being abused by his sister?
Me: Oh Really.
Cps: It also says here you work and go to school.
Me: Ummm, yea what's your point?
CPS: Well there is also allegations of neglect here too.
Me: Huh. Tell me how one relates to the other.
CPS: Your tone sounds edgy.
Me: Your questions are uncalled for and your resources apparently are unreliable.
CPS: I am just doing my job.
Me: Me too. First of all Nate is not abused by his sister, it is no more than normal sibling rivalry. And tell me again how me HAVING to work and choosing to go to school and having other people help with kids is neglectful.
CPS: Doesn't your old child have to watch the kids all the time while you work?
Me: uuuhhhhhhh NO. Why would you say that. She does babysit sometimes as is allowed by the law! but not all the time.
Oh well I am gonna have to meet with you and the kids and see the house
Me: Well as you know I am busy and will not take time out of my day for you. You will just have to try to fit into my schedule. And since you can't tell me when your coming by I can't tell you if I will be here that day.
Conversation over.
No follow up until... get this... I call them the other day.
Hi Carolyn this is Michelle I was just wandering the status of my case? Did you close it since you have not been back out here?
Cps: No I tried to follow up as time has allowed but was never able to reach you.
Me: oh I see. Well are you gonna finish up? or what?
Cps: oh yes are you available this week?
Me: Yes I am available til Thursday but you need to at least give me a day because I have things I need to do and will not sit and wait for you to do a surprise visit.
Cps: oh sure.. but it kinda has to be surprise so you don't have time to clean or put your drugs up or anything
Me: huh. (mouth agape) right.
cps: I am not suggesting you do drugs
me: clearly, yeah I am still gonna need a day.
cps: I might be able to stop by Monday but if not definitely Tuesday.
Me: Fine see ya then.

Tuesday afternoon this woman shows up all soft spoken telling me not to be defensive as she first tells me I am not obligated to cooperate with her (and I furrow my brows Like what kind of morons do they have working here) and then she asks if I have food in my house to feed the kids. With my face still all scrunched up in dismay cause I think she is retarded I tell her to give herself the grand tour help herself to anything she wants and to holler if she needs help with any of the child locks. She asks me a bunch of personal questions that really are of no consequence to her determining whether the children are in danger or not, and repeatedly tells me my voice is edgy and that is no way to parent. Being the out spoken person that I am..... hehehe...... I told her that it is not against the law in any state to talk that way or to expect my children to be responsible. She basically just said that I should be a softer, gentler, kinder, fairytale mommy and I told her NO in no uncertain terms. Bite me! There are a couple of things that really tick me off about this whole thing. #1 Nathan was being see for counseling for the problems he had been having in school and ADHD and therefor I was aware of the issues going on and was seeking treatment.#2 The intake counselor has extremely poor listening skills especially for her given job.#3 and finally these two agency are so worried that my children are in danger that it took almost two months for them to come check it out, so really why bother.
The final report= yes this was just a waste of valuable resources and my time that could have been actually used saving the life of a child who actually needed it. Carolyn said it would take a while because she is extremely backlogged however I will eventually be receiving a letter that states the allegations were unsubstantiated. CASE CLOSED.

I am sorry I will have to get to the other news and junk probably in a week or so.

just keepin it real!

You Guys are Awful.... LOL dirty little minds!

OK. To clarify my last post, that seams to have gone awry in your imaginations... No Rich did not run off with my bff! You guys have nasty little minds. LOL. Well at least as far as I know that did not happen. Although it matters very little to me, and since it was emailed to me over a dozen times I did suggest that it might be a good idea to at least one of the parties.LOL. Hey it could work. Any way you guys are way to funny. No the truth it seams is that Rich didn't feel like sticking around anymore because I wasn't putting out enough(I mean at all). I guess he some how thought he could rush in and be a night in shinning armour pick up where Sherman (the EX) failed and I would just rip my clothes off and throw myself at him. Note for all of you guys out there... it doesn't work like that. Although Rich was/is SUPER nice, great with kids, fun to hang out with and in general a good person. You can't go into something EXPECTING to get something in return. So if you guys think,"OH, I will take great care of her kids and make them like me and be the fun one" and then she will just be all about you that is not always the case. As a life rule, if you wouldn't do something just cause you wanted to, then maybe you should consider the real reason your doing that something. Enough on that soap box.

The bff thing was completely unrelated just coincidentally happened at the same time. However I am not really sure how that stands. It is really complicated and something that is best left to the real world. I will update you all here in the virtual world when it is resolved.

Alright I am out for the night, I need a nap so I can get stuff done tommorow.
Peace out.

Some Days You Win...

Some days you lose. Today I lost! It seems as though I am not giving enough and this is why yet two more people have walked out of my life today. Well sorta. I received a message from someone that has been in my life a lot lately, stating that if I couldn't give more soon, he couldn't wait. And in usual Michelle fashion I said see ya! I refuse ultimatums. To anyone who thinks you can issue me an ultimatum and get what you want, I assure you you will almost always get exactly the opposite of what you want. So it was a nice run while it lasted. The kids and I had a great time. It was the break I needed from all the stress, hopefully there will still be a good guy like him out there when I am ready. But for now it's just the five of us!

Number two, who bailed, is far more complicated. I am not even sure this person bailed but she definitely fucked up! From one blogger to another I am really having a very hard time with this one. I can't even wrap my mind around the shit that went down today, nor do I know how to handle it appropriately. And this is not something I can just ignore. As much as I would like to stick my head in the sand on this one, mostly because I am at a loss. I can't, I am obligated in so many ways, as a b.f.f., a human, a health care worker, a parent, as someone that has been burned by the same fire. I have to do something, even if it means we are no longer b.f.f.'s. But what is the question. Not only were there problems caused for me that I cant easily fix if at all, there are consequences for her actions as well. Both of which I am not eager to deal with.

On the upside of all of this I have learned valuable lessons from both people that I don't intend to forget soon. One thank you for my lessons in patience and calmness. Two thank you for reminding me I can only fight my own battles and no one else's, and always for keeping me grounded to the reality of the worlds imperfections and greatness. I have made great memories with both of you, that I won't soon forget either. And there is still hope that either one may see the light.

My children are beautiful and loving and all mine. We are happy to have each other and proud to grow and learn together. I am excited that we are making progress, even though sometimes we take one step forward and two steps back. We have other special people in our lives helping us make our way and I for one am very thankful. So this new year maybe off to... well.. a bit of a rocky start, but I am confident that things will be exactly how they should be for us to grow and thrive. So HAPPY NEW YEAR to you and yours, peace and prosper to all my loved ones.